Buried

Its early in the second month of twenty fifteen and I'm sitting in a new apartment surround by snow. We here in the Boston area are now enduring our fourth major snowfall in the last 17 days. This one is not a blizzard by definition, but its adding to the four feet already on the ground. As the news plays in the background, I hear the problems mounting, roofs collapsing, the T breaking down due to frozen power lines and now shutting down for the day tomorrow, un-passable streets and sidewalks with nowhere to put the piles. I've made it into work only to be told we need to close for the second time in as many weeks. I'm getting tired of wasting my time on treacherous commutes, only to have to turn around and do it again, and with the roads being even worse.

That's RT 95 by the way

So here I sit, typing away in place I haven't been in a while. I have attempted to date some, only to be disappointed. I can say that I am very picky at this point. I did sign up for one of those free online sites, all I seem to do is just look though. I get emails, but don't answer any. I'm still comfortable in my silence and seclusion, most of the time at least. I still have my core group of friends that helps keep me sane, and of course, my time with my daughter is treasured the most.

I wonder if my time away from here has been to not remind me of what I'm missing out on, sexually at least. Single life is not at all like you'd see in the movies, at least in my case. Its a very quiet existence for me. That is not to say I wouldn't like to find the right person to share it with, in time it seems.

Pieces

How does one pick up the pieces of a broken life? Its been a reoccurring question in my thoughts for quite some time now. I have been surviving fine on my own and I know I haven't been around here. I've been writing for myself in fits and starts, in a journal when time permits, hence my absence.

Since my last post over a year ago, I have gone through a separation and subsequent divorce, house sale, bill and asset division and liquidation, finding my own place, part time single parenting, and generally learning how to do things on my own, all while dealing with a venomous ex. It has been a steep curve, yet I soldier on. Thankfully my family and friends have all been supportive. The emails and conversations with my Cali confidant have been the most helpful and insightful over the past years, keeping me grounded and calm, those are between her and I, and always will be.

Honestly, I'm finding myself happier alone many times, hiding in my apartment, doing things for myself, only getting out for work, or quality time with my little one, and more recently, some side photography work.

And yet, I've don't ever remember feeling so completely solitary and alone...

I know it hit me some more recently while in Boston a few weekends ago to do a photo shoot. I made it in town to meet with the model and makeup artist, but then had to wait until the makeup work was done. So as I stood there on Atlantic Ave at Rowes Wharf, with a backpack full of photo gear, a dead cell phone and an unknown wait time, I just stood and watched the masses move by. It ended up being about an hour wait as the prime afternoon glow started falling below the buildings, and still I watched. It was different to slow myself down when not parked on the couch. So there I was a captive audience to the lives that strolled by, tourist festooned with bags and cameras, natives casually strolling the summer dusk, others in their Sunday best heading for the party cruises. What struck me the most was how the majority of people travel in packs, whether it be the many couples, family's, or groups of friends, the lone were the vast minority. My people now.

On the other side of that coin though, I do miss touch and intimacy, but I don't know if I'm ready to date. I feel I'm going to be far to picky having been through an emotional ringer for the last ten to fifteen years. I'm as much at fault as the ex is though, I allowed the mental abuse and put up with it thinking that was how things were supposed to work. I know better now, I've learned a few things about how I want to be treated, about how to I would like to live.  

I don't know what it is, but my emotive state has been out of sorts recently. Something like a powerful image or music lyrics really get to me. This past weekend sitting around alone especially. Maybe that's a part of what prompted this writing. Just more pieces.

Every moment, 

I shape my destiny with a chisel, 

I am the carpenter of my own soul.

~Rumi

Rowes Wharf and Custom House Tower at Dusk, Boston,  Copyright Brian Burt

"Strange how laughter looks like crying with no sound, Raindrops taste like tears without the pain."

I can't believe its been so long since my last post. I want to thank those of you who commented on my last entry, it is always heartening to read kind words and thoughts. I figured an update was in order as to where I stand currently.

Where do I start? Well, a little while back my wife and I started seeing a marriage counselor/therapist. It started when I broke again and told her I'm still not happy at home. I think I've come a long way towards seeing my own truth and realizing that I can't keep operating under the assumption that I can make those around me happy. I've seen that I've always put others before myself, and it has been to my detriment. I've seen the therapist on my own and had a nice talk with her, she feels my upbringing has created my ideas about pleasing others. We have gone together for the other sessions, there have been hurts on both sides, tears have been shed, truths have been told and brought to the front. The past two days have brought something new though. She asked about getting a separation yesterday morning. I want to say I was surprised, but I'm not. We agreed to go see the counselor tomorrow night and Friday night to talk about it, I don't think she feels that comfortable taking with me anymore when it comes to us. Then last night she said she won't sleep in the same bed with me, that would explain the getting up the night before and going to the spare bedroom. It's not like we touch each other at all, the bed is big enough and we are always on our own sides. I know this is all being put on me, because I'm the one unhappy. We talked about that Saturday night, how can two people living together be in such different places, one happy, one not?

I'm done caving in though, done being a yes man, done agreeing because I know it would make her happy, done ignoring myself, done denying my own wants and needs. I want a life full of passion, desire, love, lust, sharing, caring, shared moments, smiles, happiness, self fulfillment.

The therapist had me read a book by Wayne Dyer, called Your Erroneous Zones. I read it last week and thought, damn, I am so fucking text book. All these things that I've let rule me, guilt, anger, pleasing others, worry. They are all things that hold us back from action, they all cause fear in one way or another, fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of reprisal, fear of judgement. I'm tired of being afraid, I'll not settle for the status quo anymore.


Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.

Pedro Arrupe, S.J.




Photo taken from Tumblr

I had a new first this past weekend, you may remember that I said a few weeks ago how my wife wanted to start this couch to 5K thing. Well, I've been doing some of it with her, not as much as she has, I did miss some days due to my work schedule. Plus, I'm a bicyclist, not a runner, but anyway. We ended up registering for a 5K run that took place this past Sunday.

We arrived at the local Y about an hour early so we could get signed in and get the little one to the kids center to play while we ran. This run was a fundraiser for the Livestrong foundation, so I of course had no problem at all supporting it. There were a few others we knew doing the run including three people my wife was "training" with regularly, and we also found her brother in law and his son were running as well. We meet them all there and were ready to take off for the 11 o'clock start. I might add, that there was an incredible sea of well built women in tight running shorts and tops.

To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure how well I was going to do, I mean I carry a decent pace because of my height I think, but I'm not that good at continuous running. I tend to stop occasionally to rest my bad knee a bit. I've been doing ok on the runs with my wife, but I haven't run without stopping at one point or another.

Anyway, we got off to a start on a nice sunny day Sunday, not to hot, in the 70's. My wife and I agreed to run at our own comfort levels, so I wanted to get my faster pace towards the beginning knowing I'd fade after. We started and I wasn't ready for the crowds and clusters of people involved. I've done a few bike races in my time, but the groups in those tend to stretch out at their own intervals and paces quite quickly. This was just masses of people that I had keep finding ways around. I wanted to keep the brother in law in sight, since I knew my nephew was a good runner. I lost him in the crowd though and just did my own thing.

It was at at the end of the first mile when I could finally keep my own steady pace and the crowd had thinned. I just kept pounding away, my legs feeling good, by breathing steady. At the end of the second mile I was feeling parched, I was so happy to see the water stand. I just kept going, my pace starting to slow. I picked someone who was going about my pace and stuck with them, it helps to keep your mind occupied on something else I think.

At about the two and quarter mile mark, my knee was really starting to bother me, so yes, I had to walk to stretch it some. I only walked about a minute, I told myself, just to that corner there, and I did. I rounded the corner and just kept going. I hadn't seen anyone else I knew at all, so I wasn't catching or being caught by anyone it seemed.

I got to the finish in a time of 26:40, not bad for a guy who's not a regular runner I think. Turns out, the brother in law was only 30 seconds in front of me. His son did it in a bit over 23 minutes, damn kids have all the energy. My wife finished in just under 30, which she was quite happy with. All in all, it was not too bad for my first 5K.

Hi all, remember me? I know its been a while since I've posted anything, it's just felt hectic and I've not had anything to write about. This past week has been a bit of a low for me, I think just an avalanche effect of sorts. We had a death on the wife's side this past week, work has been a pain in the fucking ass with the boss out for a few days and me putting in extra hours, traffic has been ridiculous damn near every morning and night, the kid was sick and my wife is now sick plus PMS'ing, and the weather is starting to change here already.

Enough of the complaining bullshit, yes there is more I could complain about, but I won't subject you to it. I just wanted to say that I'm thankful for the great friends I've made and continue to keep. One has been a godsend for quite a while now, thank you to my photographer friend, while others are always there for a word of kindness or a hello.

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” 
― Rumi



I'll attempt to leave you with a laugh then today....

New Grey Beginnings

A cold steel grey greets this morning on the bay.

As the sun tries to burn away last nights remnants and decay.

A new day dawns, forgetful of the last,


no reason to dwell on the sadness in the past.


                          W