I can't believe its been so long since my last post. I want to thank those of you who commented on my last entry, it is always heartening to read kind words and thoughts. I figured an update was in order as to where I stand currently.

Where do I start? Well, a little while back my wife and I started seeing a marriage counselor/therapist. It started when I broke again and told her I'm still not happy at home. I think I've come a long way towards seeing my own truth and realizing that I can't keep operating under the assumption that I can make those around me happy. I've seen that I've always put others before myself, and it has been to my detriment. I've seen the therapist on my own and had a nice talk with her, she feels my upbringing has created my ideas about pleasing others. We have gone together for the other sessions, there have been hurts on both sides, tears have been shed, truths have been told and brought to the front. The past two days have brought something new though. She asked about getting a separation yesterday morning. I want to say I was surprised, but I'm not. We agreed to go see the counselor tomorrow night and Friday night to talk about it, I don't think she feels that comfortable taking with me anymore when it comes to us. Then last night she said she won't sleep in the same bed with me, that would explain the getting up the night before and going to the spare bedroom. It's not like we touch each other at all, the bed is big enough and we are always on our own sides. I know this is all being put on me, because I'm the one unhappy. We talked about that Saturday night, how can two people living together be in such different places, one happy, one not?

I'm done caving in though, done being a yes man, done agreeing because I know it would make her happy, done ignoring myself, done denying my own wants and needs. I want a life full of passion, desire, love, lust, sharing, caring, shared moments, smiles, happiness, self fulfillment.

The therapist had me read a book by Wayne Dyer, called Your Erroneous Zones. I read it last week and thought, damn, I am so fucking text book. All these things that I've let rule me, guilt, anger, pleasing others, worry. They are all things that hold us back from action, they all cause fear in one way or another, fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of reprisal, fear of judgement. I'm tired of being afraid, I'll not settle for the status quo anymore.


Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.

Pedro Arrupe, S.J.




Photo taken from Tumblr

Missed opportunity

I was off yesterday, so I had the opportunity to sleep a little past 5 for a change. The wife got up first around 5:30 and headed to the shower. By the time she was done in the bathroom, I was finally starting to wake up some. I woke up with some serious morning wood going on. I figured I'd wave my flag and see what it would get me. I was laying on my side, so I stuck a leg out of the covers and pulled them off as I rolled to my back and stood straight in the air.  It took her about twenty seconds before she turned my way. She was a little shocked by the sounds of it. She said "oh my god" as came over to me and said "you better put that away", then walked away and continued getting dressed. Fuck, denied again. 

I knew there was a chance there would be no sex since she just got her period, but come on, I couldn't at least get a fucking blowjob? 

Then later that evening she brought it up again, just saying that it was a damn impressive sight to turn to and she was quite turned on by it. Really? I find that hard to believe since she just turned and walked away from me. 

Well, I have to say that my wife came through last night. No, not in the sex department, (yea, yea, piss and moan some more W) but she did do good by me. She was able to get her hands on Game 5 playoff tickets for the Celtics/Sixers game last night.

I made my way into Boston after work and picked my wife up. We meandered through town and parked at the Garden. It was early enough that we found somewhere to have dinner and few drinks before the game. It was a bit of a wait for a table, but a quick dinner and we headed up the street to the Garden. We made it to our seats just as the anthem was starting. The rest is history. It was a great time and a really good game. The place was fucking rocking, so damn loud in there. (Check this link out for KG's assessment of the fans.) A few more wobblie pops while there always help keep things loose, I love that I can get a Cap n Coke there now too. It was over quicker than expected, and it was a breeze getting out of the parking garage. We made good time getting back home, before I knew it, my head was hitting the pillow and I was in the land of nod. All I can say is that it made for a great night out, I'd love to go back again.

Helpless

It's been kind of a rough week in W's house. I've felt so damn helpless, not knowing what to do, or how to make it better for M. It started Friday with her getting a cold and being miserable that night and Saturday, running a slight temp. Sunday morning seemed better, but she was still a bit off and we had about 30 people coming over for Easter. About an hour before that time, my wife was getting M ready when she noticed fluid coming out of her right ear, M did say it hurt a bit, but she is a little trooper and does not let pain bother her much it seems. A call to urgent care netted her a "get here as soon as you can". I was left to entertain family coming to our house. Thankfully, everyone is willing to help out, so it was not really a big deal since my wife also had everything pretty set the previous day.  

She got home with M about an hour after everyone had arrived, it turns out that she had ruptured her ear drum, M seemed in good spirits though, just happy to play with her cousins. I proceeded to drink a bit and take the edge off that I was feeling. A few hours later it was over and it took another 3 hours for the two of us to get the house back to normal, some of those kids are savages I tell ya. 

Monday was uneventful, except for me now having the cold. M seemed good, but her ear was still draining way too much. This prompted a call for another appointment Tuesday, the soonest would be that afternoon. After a slight disagreement with my wife about me having to "step up" a bit more helping out (If I'm not at work I loose a day's pay, I don't get flex time, or sick days, and vacation time cannot be broken down to days with my company, yes, it's a suck ass job), I was able to work it out with my boss and leave work early to take M to her appointment. Seems her med's were not strong enough for the ear problem and now she had an infection in the other ear. So new med's were in order. The poor kid is a mess at this point, her balance is shot, she can barely hear, and her nose is all stuffed up. This is where that helplessness comes in, seeing her suffering and not being able to do more, it pains me inside more than I can explain.  

We kept her from daycare yet again Wednesday and she stayed with her grandparents. Towards the end of the day she was complaining of being itchy. Then by the time my wife got there, she was screaming in pain saying her stomach hurt. The call to urgent care took only about 30 seconds when they heard her screaming and told my wife to get her there right away. This trip resulted in M being allergic to her antibiotics and some immediate antihistamine being administered, she will also need it every 6 hours for the next two days. She was so exhausted, the kid was apparently asleep in her car seat within a minute. I was just driving home from work at the time myself feeling so bad for my little one. 

I was up getting ready for work around 5 today, after I showered my wife woke up and sounded like shit. She has M's cold too, but now it was really effecting her. Good thing she was staying home with M today. I did hear from hear a little while ago and M seems to be much better, hopefully on the mend for good. It looks like it could take up to two months for her hearing to become normal after rupturing her eardrum though. I'm feeling a nice stiff drink or two is in the works for my immediate future. 

The Drawstring Theory

Yes, it kind of feels like this sometimes, play that short clip there. This part always comes to mind when I think about those little nuances that we go through. (Extract is a funny movie by the way)




Now I know I may be looking too deeply into this, its not the end all to the constant question of whether there will be sex or not, but I do pay attention to it. I sleep naked, pretty much all the time. I do keep some pj bottoms handy right next to the bed in case the little one needs something in the middle of the night. So I tend to strip down and jump in bed at night. I'll lay there and watch her get changed into her pj's, the top goes on, and then the pants go on, meaning its pretty much guaranteed there will be no adult play time. There are those rare occasions where the pants will not go on and she will climb into bed, so I know I should at least try on those nights.

Now I do realize that the absence of pj bottoms doesn't constitute a definitive no, I mean there are some cold nights that she doesn't deal with very well. What bothers me though is mornings like this Tuesday. I was out Monday night with my friends and didn't get home till almost midnight, the usual time for me. I climb into bed and nod off to lala land for a few hours till that damn alarm is calling at 5. I jump out of the shower and wake her for her turn as I start getting dressed. She climbs out of bed and all I see is a bare ass walking to the bathroom, and it was cold last night. What the fuck is that about. My guess is some quality time with the rabbit and I certainly don't begrudge her that.

I'm just looking at this from a typical male view, I'm wanting, she's not, till I'm not around it seems, Fuck. It's just like the end of that clip, actually hearing the drawstrings tighten as the wind goes out of your sails.

I had a very busy weekend doing some home improvement shit, sadly it was one task that took quite a bit of time. I started in on some tile work in the bathroom Saturday after having a morning swim class with the wee one. I ended up working on it from about 11 till 5 and only got one section of wall tiled, not as much as I was hoping. I had to stop and get cleaned up though as the wife was having some family and a friend over to help with some project for Easter, so I had to entertain of her friends husband for the night. That was not too bad though, he's a nice guy, we just headed down to man-town, watched a movie and had some drinks. Once everyone was gone, I helped my wife clean up and we headed to bed. I was really hoping for some sex, its been about two weeks, and it was my hope that the wine she was drinking would loosen her resolve some. Sadly, she was snoring as her head hit the pillow. I should know better than to hope.

Sunday morning I was greeted to the clock saying 8:30, needless to say I was shocked. My daughter usually never lets us get past 7. I got up to see what the two of them were doing and ended up playing with the little on for a bit before my wife ask when I'm going to start back on the tile. I told her I needed a shower first, I'm just not truly awake without a shower. So I did that, got dressed and headed down for a quick breakfast. As I threw something in the toaster, I headed out to the garage and got the wet saw and everything else I would need set up. I came back and stood there eating while making a cup of coffee when the wife came down and started right in on me. "This is why I want to hire someone to do it, it takes you forever to get going." I was fucking pissed at that and told her I'd been getting things set up in the mean time. I didn't say another word to her for the next three hours.

I was working away till about 5 again, but I finished all the tile work. Thank fucking god. It was more like tile work with a side of stair-master thrown in for good measure. I must have been up and down the stairs about 75-100 times, just lots of fine cuts and angles to work with. I can say today that my ass is feeling it, it truly is a glut workout. I was more happy that she couldn't say a damn word about how much I got done. I at least got a "it looks really good" from her.

With the work done, I showered, made dinner for M and started a fire since I was fucking freezing still from my hands being numb working with the wet cutter in 40 degree temps. I made dinner for both of us after M was fed and happy. I made a drink for myself and settled on the couch for some relaxing time. We put M down and headed back to the TV. I didn't really have much to say to my wife, I was still holding on to that comment from earlier. The movie I was watching ended around 9:30 or so while she read sitting there. I headed to bed not even considering sex, I know my mental state wouldn't even be there. Not that I had to worry about that. I put a movie on in the bedroom and she was out again in about two minutes. I ended up watching it for about an hour before I finally let sleep take me.

A follow up of sorts

I had another "discussion" with the wife last night. I've been reverting back to my stone-self some and it came to a head yet again. She said, "what, am I not supposed to notice you getting quiet again". I told her, that was exactly the point, for you to notice something. She wanted to know why I stopped talking to her about certain things, and I told her, why bother if you don't listen to what I have to say. We went back and fourth for a while on different things. For her, she is feeling under appreciated again, asking why I won't help with some things. The thing is, I do, but I was not doing things the way she wanted, so I stopped when I got the attitude.

For me, it was the usual, a lack of sex and intimacy. Her finding ways to avoid me, or being to tired, or too busy, it's always something. She asked if it got better after our last conversation, yea, for like two weeks.

I've been thinking a lot lately if this is the life I want to live, drowning in my head, suffering in silence for my daughter. I've heard and read from many others that its not worth burying yourself for it. I love my little girl unconditionally, but I'm in pain.

I don't feel the passion anymore in our relationship. I want more than I think she is willing to give. As she admitted to me last night, "even if we had sex every night, you wouldn't be happy". And I said, no, probably not. I'm tired of not feeling wanted physically, I'm tired of rejection, I'm tired of feeling like a outcast in my own home. She turned to me and said "do you think we are going to make it". I just don't know. She said "don't you think it's worth fighting for" and I said that's what I thought I've been doing.

The more I think about it, the more I'm loosing ground. I realize how unhappy I am and have not done anything about it until now. It feels good to get it out to her, but it hurts because I think I'm the one ending our marriage. I have always worried about making others happy, usually to my own detriment, that has to end. I want to be happy.

She would like to try counselling again, I truly don't know if it will do any good. I feel the courses of our lives have shifted to much.

"Time is a friend or an enemy of a soul who longs to be free."
       Maria

Off for a bit

I will be unavailable next week in case anyone is looking me,because I know so many of you do, yea right. Anyway...

I'm heading up north with the wife and little one for a few days in New Hampshire. I'm not really looking forward to it, though I know I should be. I am looking forward to not having to come into work for the next week. 

The wife and I were talking about the trip this past week and she says to me "your not expecting sex on vacation are you?" No, why would I want that? She is dead serious by the way. I've always thought vacations were some of the best places to have sex, guess I'm the only one thinking that way, again. Fuck. This is just another reason why I've stopped enjoying some of my vacations, it's just more pronounced now that we have a child and so much time and energy is spent on the little one.

I actually brought this topic up during our recent discussion. I asked her why it was we could spend a week in beautiful Aruba and not have sex once. Oh boy, did she freak about that. I do remember she was pretty sick flying down there. But then it was all about how stressed she was with work and a recent miscarriage. Needless to say, she thought it was perfectly reasonable to abstain during vacation. I even suggested having sex on our balcony on the seventh floor overlooking the pool and beach. It was a dark balcony by the way. No go.

Sorry, guess I started rambling again. You guys know how passionate I am about sex. Forgive me. 

I will miss reading all your blogs and l look forward to catching up with them.

Damn-it....

So I'm out last night playing pool, I get home around 11, about an hour earlier than normal. I see the bedroom light on when I pull in and I'm thinking, wow, she's still up, I'm shocked. I try to be quiet going in so I don't wake my little one.

I feed the fish and turn off the lights that are left on for me and decide to use the downstairs bathroom before heading up. Flushing the toilet gave me away apparently. She never heard me come in because the A/C is on in the house. By the time I get upstairs, the light is out and she's standing beside the bed closing the toy drawer in her nightstand. I asked her what she's doing, she said she was putting the rabbit away.

Apparently she was reading one of the old penthouse letters magazine that we have and getting off using the rabbit. Ok, that's fine with me, I don't have a problem with that at all. I know how good the rabbit vibe is for her. Hell, I love using it on her sometimes.

I get undressed and climb into bed and ask light heartedly, what, she didn't want to wait for me. She says, why do you have to be like that, I don't know if your joking or serious. I'm a bit confused by the statement. Anyway, I slide up next to her and put my hand on her stomach, and guess what? She wants nothing to do with me.

Denied. What The Fuck!!!!
Really?

She's usually in the mood after reading those, I don't understand. What did I do? All I can think is I was never intended to catch her using the rabbit, which I think may be a Monday night ritual when I'm out.

I'm still fuming inside about this. Am I being unreasonable wanting to get in on the action, thinking she's in the mood? I'm just absolutely confused.

I'm feeling like the following video...

Another date night.

We had another date night, last night, the wife and I. All I can say is I'm starting to hate these.

It started out fine, at three I dropped of my little one for a sleep over with her cousins, which she loves by the way. Lets just say she never shed a tear as I left, it was more of a "don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out" thing. From there, I made my way to the train station, as I would be meeting my wife in Boston. It was an uneventful ride, I read a magazine I'd brought with me and was listing to my iPod, it makes for a quick 45 minute trip to Back Bay.

I called her when I got in and asked her where to meet, she said in front of her building, no problem. At this point, its a beautiful 65 sunny degrees. The sights in town are great when the weather is good. I meet her out front and we proceed to a bar where we would be having some drinks with some of her coworkers. We arrived first, sat down outside, and had a drink while waiting for others to arrive. We were talking while waiting, no big deal. I had mentioned that I had heard from one of my brothers, even though he was not working last night (he tends bar at a nice restaurant in the Back Bay area), he was going to be in town too, so I texted him to let him know where we were. Four of her coworkers arrived about a half hour after we arrrive and we were all talking and drinking. Two of them had to leave after awhile, one who is her boss, actually picked up the tab for everyone, very cool of him. At this point we all moved inside as the temp is dropping fast and the wind is picking up. There are only four of us now and a few minutes later my brother walks in and joins us, nice, I haven't seen him for a few months. One of her coworker had his boyfriend meet us there as well. We were all having a good time and my brother had to leave to make a concert at the House of Blues. Soon after, we departed company and went our own way, with another of her bosses picking up the tab again for everyone.

The two of us started walking towards a nice little Irish pub thats a bit of a ways away planning on having dinner, we were both starving. Chatting, enjoying the sights (the women are dressed to kill at night in Boston), we made it to the restaurant. We got a table right away, which I was shocked at, its past 8 at this point. We order our food and drinks and have a nice dinner. She was done before I and not finishing her drink. I asked if she was ok, and she said she was getting a headache. The only thing that went through my mind at this point is, great, the excuses are already starting. We finish dinner and have a little while before the next train out of town. I wanted to find a bar that I've heard about, so we walked to that then had to head for the train. We get to the train, and she realizes that she read the scheduled wrong, the next train won't come for another hour and half. Great. Any chance of any kind of sex is gone, I know it.

I told her I don't want to sit in the train station, so we head out to walk around for awhile. About a half hour later, she is complaining about her feet hurting, now she has a blister. My mind has already written the rest of the night off at this point, so I'm just trying to enjoy the walk. Were heading back for the train, still to early. Sitting at the station, shes reading a book, so I listen to my music, waiting for that 45 minute ride home. A ride where I try to bury my aggravation. We finally made it home by about 11:30 and just go to bed.

Why is it I'm always going to bed sexually frustrated? Am I wrong to want, especially when we don't have the little one in the house for the night? I figured it would be a perfect time to let lose, she would not have to stifle those screams as she so often does. And yet, here we are again, another date night, another excuse. I'm growing so tired of these.

Sorry for the long post, I just had to vent, yet again.

Some follow up

I'm not sure what to say here but I figured you may be wondering what has happened in this past week.
Well, she read my letter and we talked. Yes, emotions were high, but she didn't just go on the defensive like I thought she would. It was a good start to be heard for a change, or at least it felt like it. We discussed some of the things that I was concerned about and she agreed with me on almost everything I wrote with the exception of feeling like "room mates".

She wanted to know why I was talking to her less again. I said, why should I bother when you don't seem to listen to me and you especially don't take me seriously when I bring up the subject of sex.  She says that she knew it was important but never acted like it was.

How was I supposed to feel when she was always saying how tired she was, and yet, she would go use the treadmill for an hour, or could stay up in bed to read a book or watch a movie but was not interested in having sex? Guess she wasn't that tired after all. How was I not supposed to feel slighted by this? Was I not supposed to feel unwanted or unattractive? How could I not?

That brought up the "its not you, its me" excuse. She just figured no big deal. She said that she did know sex was important to me but just didn't prioritize it in her head. She always thought she could just push it off till tomorrow, until it always started snowballing, and all the tomorrows turned into weeks.

She asked me if I would divorce her over this, and I told her yes. I think that really drove the point home on how serious I was and how unhappy I've been.

We have been talking more about everyday things and there has been some more sex, but things still seem off. I can't put my finger on it yet, but I know it's going to take an ongoing effort.

On the same note, I also told her that I don't want sex to seem like a chore, or something she has to feel obligated to do, because when it is, its no good for either of us. There have been those moments as well, and I'll tell you that there is nothing worse than sex with a partner that seems preoccupied. I don't like it at all, I don't know who would. I want to know a woman enjoys my company, whether it be moans, screams, or even soft touches, something is always better than nothing.

A letter to my wife

Well, I did it. I took most of the weekend not really talking much, just trying to collect my thoughts and what it was that was tearing me up inside. I ended up coming to work and I started typing things out that she needed to know were killing me. On and off for the day, in between work, I ended up with a page of what I wanted to say.

I got home, we fed the little one and ourselves, and went through the nightly routine. Once the wee one was down, my wife went downstairs to read while I took a shower. I was nervous all day about doing this but was convinced by the end of the weekend that it had to be done. I got dressed (Monday nights I'm usually out playing pool) and went down stairs with resolve in my heart and sweat in my hands.

She asked if I was going tonight since I was feeling ill most of the day, and I said it depends on the next few minutes. That got her attention. She sat up and I told her, "Its not going to be easy, but I started writing this to collect my thoughts, I figured it would be best to let you read it." I watched her eyes moving across the page, I could see the tears welling up. I saw her make it to the bottom of the page and scan it again. Her lip was quivering, I don't think in anger, but in a realization that everything I said was true. She said as much after, "nothing you wrote is wrong".

This is my letter to her, I thought I would share it with you too since we all see each others lives.:


I'm writing this because I can never seem to keep my words straight when dealing with emotions. I always feel so tongue tied, so forgive me for writing.

You asked me yesterday why I look so unhappy. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I don't think I am happy. 

You want me to tell you when something is bothering me but its so hard to because I don't want to upset you, I feel like I'm always trying to keep a balance. We had a talk about a year ago about our sex life, and I feel I made things worse between us and that you don't take me seriously when I talk about sex. I feel like it falls on deaf ears when you seem to hardly take what I had to say seriously. 

I'm not saying I'm not happy with our life, I think we do great for ourselves and we get along great. We have a beautiful little girl, a great house, and we don't want for much. 

I need to tell you that it feels like the roles have changed so much. We started out as friends and became lovers, we've become parents and everything takes a back seat to that, I understand that, but there is room for more. It feels like we are parents first, friends second, and lovers a distance third. I've told you before how much sex means to me, but its not just sex, its that feeling of desire, being wanted, being in the moment because you want to, not because you feel you have to. Again, its not like that all the time, we have had some great sex, but I feel guilty for wanting more, so I keep quiet. Its tearing me up keeping quiet though. I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting my wife so much but on the same token, I don't want to become a nagging pest. I've found that I'm not the only one that feels this way, there are so many other couples that deal with the same issues, I've read that the one who wants more, gets more upset as things progress and the one that does not, feels hounded when always being asked. I've tried so hard to back off and stop asking for more, but its affecting me.

I've grown so tired of wondering everyday if you'll want me that morning, that night, or maybe on the couch, or maybe something will happen if *** goes to sleep. I miss the passion, the taking time to explore each others body's, trying new things. Like a few weeks ago on the couch, you laid back with me burying four fingers in you was so fucking hot, you looked so sexy, the ecstasy washed over your face, I love seeing that on you. How can we do it more? Have I grown unattractive to you? Am I too predictable? Do you want something else? 

I'm coming to accept that I'm a very sexual person, and I need to stop feeling guilty for being so. I want more for us, to be open to explore more things, try new things, to get some more excitement back. I want more, I need more.

I need to know what I can do to fix things or if I can even fix things. I feel so lost, I don't know what to do other than to talk to you. I'm tired of hiding who I am. I feel like we've become room mates with benifits, more than a passionate, loving husband and wife. If I'm to blame for that, then I need to know. I know this is going to be upsetting to hear, but it needs to be done. Please talk to me when your ready, if you need time to think about things then fine, tell me.

Weekend

Lets see, the weekend, another bang up job.  The wife and I took the wee one down to Newport RI to get out for the day and I was able to take some nice pictures (I'll share some when I get them uploaded).  M was really good all day, even missing her nap and sitting through lunch with us.  We headed home around 2:30 and she just crashed within 10 minutes in the car seat, the wife crashed to.  Later, we put M down, were watching TV and suddenly my wife gets up all pissed about something stupid and storms off to bed.  Well then, WTF just happened.  I took the computer to the basement and hid out while playing the guitar.  I was able to have a few nice chat conversations well into the night before turning in at 1.

Sunday dawns, up at 6:30 with the little one.  I'm getting a cold.  Spent the morning doing things with M and and the wife, and once she was down for a nap, I headed out for a bike ride.  I did have a few stops along the way for some phone conversations and refreshments, resulting in being in the saddle for about 4 hours, but I only road for 2 of those, still managed 35 miles.

Woke up this morning, sicker than yesterday, sore throat making my voice a bit fucked and much deeper.  Managed to cause another little fight with the wife, she's insisting I never told her about something going on today, but I did. Here's hoping the damn cold, and my wifes mood swings pass.

Romantic? Who Me?

If I'm such a romantic guy (so says everyone here) then why is it my wife doesn't see it? How is it I can make someone so damn far away happy (and believe me, I love doing it) and yet the one that lays next to me every night is oblivious? Do we really grow so used to the people we live with that we become so blind to that which is in front of us? I'm beginning to see the answer as an unequivocal yes.

Its funny because Danielle and I were talking about this a few months ago after she read one of my post and she was convinced that my wife had her head up her ass, I always thought it was a stick permanently lodged up there, but I really do believe it must be her head.


Those of you who have been reading for awhile know I tend to be demure myself, so I'll often err on the side of caution, being humble and lacking to much hubris. Take a look back at ancient literature, Greek especially, and you'll find that to much pride, more often than not, is the hero's downfall. I never want to come off as to egotistical or arrogant, there seems to be plenty of that out there on the blog-sphere already. Thats why I will tend to minimize some of my actions, that, in all reality, mean a lot more.

Peedee and Vixen Kitten think I need some sense smacked up side my head I'm sure, judging by their comments. I guess all I'm trying to say is I don't feel like I'm setting out to be romantic, it just happens.

So as Peedee says, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

"Quack"