A letter to my wife

Well, I did it. I took most of the weekend not really talking much, just trying to collect my thoughts and what it was that was tearing me up inside. I ended up coming to work and I started typing things out that she needed to know were killing me. On and off for the day, in between work, I ended up with a page of what I wanted to say.

I got home, we fed the little one and ourselves, and went through the nightly routine. Once the wee one was down, my wife went downstairs to read while I took a shower. I was nervous all day about doing this but was convinced by the end of the weekend that it had to be done. I got dressed (Monday nights I'm usually out playing pool) and went down stairs with resolve in my heart and sweat in my hands.

She asked if I was going tonight since I was feeling ill most of the day, and I said it depends on the next few minutes. That got her attention. She sat up and I told her, "Its not going to be easy, but I started writing this to collect my thoughts, I figured it would be best to let you read it." I watched her eyes moving across the page, I could see the tears welling up. I saw her make it to the bottom of the page and scan it again. Her lip was quivering, I don't think in anger, but in a realization that everything I said was true. She said as much after, "nothing you wrote is wrong".

This is my letter to her, I thought I would share it with you too since we all see each others lives.:


I'm writing this because I can never seem to keep my words straight when dealing with emotions. I always feel so tongue tied, so forgive me for writing.

You asked me yesterday why I look so unhappy. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I don't think I am happy. 

You want me to tell you when something is bothering me but its so hard to because I don't want to upset you, I feel like I'm always trying to keep a balance. We had a talk about a year ago about our sex life, and I feel I made things worse between us and that you don't take me seriously when I talk about sex. I feel like it falls on deaf ears when you seem to hardly take what I had to say seriously. 

I'm not saying I'm not happy with our life, I think we do great for ourselves and we get along great. We have a beautiful little girl, a great house, and we don't want for much. 

I need to tell you that it feels like the roles have changed so much. We started out as friends and became lovers, we've become parents and everything takes a back seat to that, I understand that, but there is room for more. It feels like we are parents first, friends second, and lovers a distance third. I've told you before how much sex means to me, but its not just sex, its that feeling of desire, being wanted, being in the moment because you want to, not because you feel you have to. Again, its not like that all the time, we have had some great sex, but I feel guilty for wanting more, so I keep quiet. Its tearing me up keeping quiet though. I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting my wife so much but on the same token, I don't want to become a nagging pest. I've found that I'm not the only one that feels this way, there are so many other couples that deal with the same issues, I've read that the one who wants more, gets more upset as things progress and the one that does not, feels hounded when always being asked. I've tried so hard to back off and stop asking for more, but its affecting me.

I've grown so tired of wondering everyday if you'll want me that morning, that night, or maybe on the couch, or maybe something will happen if *** goes to sleep. I miss the passion, the taking time to explore each others body's, trying new things. Like a few weeks ago on the couch, you laid back with me burying four fingers in you was so fucking hot, you looked so sexy, the ecstasy washed over your face, I love seeing that on you. How can we do it more? Have I grown unattractive to you? Am I too predictable? Do you want something else? 

I'm coming to accept that I'm a very sexual person, and I need to stop feeling guilty for being so. I want more for us, to be open to explore more things, try new things, to get some more excitement back. I want more, I need more.

I need to know what I can do to fix things or if I can even fix things. I feel so lost, I don't know what to do other than to talk to you. I'm tired of hiding who I am. I feel like we've become room mates with benifits, more than a passionate, loving husband and wife. If I'm to blame for that, then I need to know. I know this is going to be upsetting to hear, but it needs to be done. Please talk to me when your ready, if you need time to think about things then fine, tell me.