I can't believe its been so long since my last post. I want to thank those of you who commented on my last entry, it is always heartening to read kind words and thoughts. I figured an update was in order as to where I stand currently.
Where do I start? Well, a little while back my wife and I started seeing a marriage counselor/therapist. It started when I broke again and told her I'm still not happy at home. I think I've come a long way towards seeing my own truth and realizing that I can't keep operating under the assumption that I can make those around me happy. I've seen that I've always put others before myself, and it has been to my detriment. I've seen the therapist on my own and had a nice talk with her, she feels my upbringing has created my ideas about pleasing others. We have gone together for the other sessions, there have been hurts on both sides, tears have been shed, truths have been told and brought to the front. The past two days have brought something new though. She asked about getting a separation yesterday morning. I want to say I was surprised, but I'm not. We agreed to go see the counselor tomorrow night and Friday night to talk about it, I don't think she feels that comfortable taking with me anymore when it comes to us. Then last night she said she won't sleep in the same bed with me, that would explain the getting up the night before and going to the spare bedroom. It's not like we touch each other at all, the bed is big enough and we are always on our own sides. I know this is all being put on me, because I'm the one unhappy. We talked about that Saturday night, how can two people living together be in such different places, one happy, one not?
I'm done caving in though, done being a yes man, done agreeing because I know it would make her happy, done ignoring myself, done denying my own wants and needs. I want a life full of passion, desire, love, lust, sharing, caring, shared moments, smiles, happiness, self fulfillment.
The therapist had me read a book by Wayne Dyer, called Your Erroneous Zones. I read it last week and thought, damn, I am so fucking text book. All these things that I've let rule me, guilt, anger, pleasing others, worry. They are all things that hold us back from action, they all cause fear in one way or another, fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of reprisal, fear of judgement. I'm tired of being afraid, I'll not settle for the status quo anymore.
Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.
Pedro Arrupe, S.J.
Photo taken from Tumblr