I'm thinking some more honesty may be in order. I've found it hard to write about personal stuff lately and I've ignored my own rule, Fuck It. It doesn't matter how I look to you, the reader, I am what I am, the sum of my parts and past experiences. This is all still new to me, the openness, just being myself and not what I perceive is expected of me. I've never had the ability to explain my feelings clearly and completely.
I am a product of my environment. My childhood and most of my adult life has been about the repression and control of emotions. Throughout my childhood and teenage years, emotion was something my father would not really tolerate or share with us, his three boys, we were always kept at arms length with him. My mother was the at home mom, loving, but flustered with raising three boys. I guess what I remember most at home was anytime one of us kids was upset, my mother would coddle us and my father would be mad at her for doing it and tell us to knock it off. That was it for him, crisis adverted, children quieted. I don't ever remember him showing any emotion except anger with us. This is not to say he didn't love us, I know he did, its just a different way than what I see now in my actions with my own daughter.
Sad to say, but my married life has been a lot of the same. Repressing my emotions to keep the status quo, to keep from rocking the boat. When I did finally muster up the courage to rock the boat, I was meet with derision. What I had hoped to be a free exchange of ideas and feelings turned into another example of why I was better off keeping to myself. And into the shell I would go again.
Its hard to break that habit, of reverting to the quiet, introspective me. I'm working on it, but it takes time to repress years of control.
I'm trying.
Theres only so much water that can build up behind a dam, the escape must be controlled, or the dam may very well burst quite unexpectedly.
I feel we are sort of the same type of people, very introverted. My ex-lover - yeah, him again - often told me to not be afraid to express myself with him, even if it came out wrong or awkward, it was still better than not saying what I wanted to say.
ReplyDeleteI express myself much better through chat, email and my posts, probably because I don't have to deal with the reaction of the person in front of me and mostly, be afraid of their judgement of me.
At home too, we never really expressed our feelings, we were raised to deal with the stuff that happened and not complained. Some people were raised and educated to be more socially adept, some not. I happen to be not very social, so introverted, so not used to speak out loud my emotions. I try to improve that though.
I'll shut up now, lol. You shouldn't be afraid to post about what you feel like talking about - who are we to judge??
I get it. My wife was the one who forced me into a shell, and it's been so hard to try and break out after so many years of being crammed back in. I think that's why blogging has been so hard for me. I haven't been able to be myself in so many years, I'm still trying to figure out who that person really is again. And for rocking the boat, yes. Exactly. That's one I can't get past.
ReplyDeleteYou know how I feel about this post, I've already told you, but I wanted to say here, too, that I think you are an amazing, incredibly amazing man.
ReplyDeleteLove you, baby.
xox Beryl
Once you retreat into that shell, it's very difficult to come out. It's very good that you have Beryl to help you make breaking the shell easier. Having someone who loves you for YOU is a precious gift.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in the same kind of environment, so I get this. The problem is that when we crawl into a shell for this long, it is hard to know who the real us is. I am glad that Beryl is making this easier on you! You both deserve this.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the comments, its nice knowing we are not alone in our life endeavors.
ReplyDeleteSpring, your right, I'm very introverted and self expression never came easily for me, its been a constant struggle.
John, I'm thinking we are two peas in the same pod sometimes, the similarities are kind of disconcerting, thank you.
Beryl, you know I love you to.
Nitebyrd and Danielle, your right of course in that its more and more difficult breaking from the shell. I'm working on it, thanks for being here.
I think it is so important to get it off your chest and out of your head. It can only help.
ReplyDeletebut I know that sometimes its hard to follow your own rules.
I am also struggling right now. SO I want to say dont give up. Hang in there.
Sounds like Beryl is a great friend to you. : )