Lost

I have to do this, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I've gone too long putting this off, maybe it is the fear of what will happen, that fear of the unknown, or maybe its the fear of loosing everything I've built up in my life to this point.

I'm tired of feeling like sex has become a chore for my wife, thats not to say that there haven't been some high points, because there have been. It's just I want more, I want to experience more, try new things, that she can not, or will not do. I've tried having a talk about our sex life about a year ago, and the result, sex is now less frequent and I don't think she ever considered what I had to say. I feel so stuck in a life thats on repeat, the same thing over and over. It makes me question if I will ever be happy even if I get what I want.

I've been thinking about it a lot the last few days. Why is it I feel guilty about wanting more? Why do I feel like I'm being greedy and selfish for wanting more? How do I shatter the last 20 years of my life over something I know she thinks is less important than a comfortable life? Will she hate me for destroying what she thought was a happy life?

I woke the little one up this morning, she crawled into my lap on the floor and just snuggled into me. I just sat and held her, and kept telling her how much I love her, and I cried.

Signed, one really lost W.

Just a rant...

Since gas prices are so fucking bad right now, I've decided to try and ride the motorcycle more since its so much better on gas, and way more fun.

Today I'm riding in, its kind of wet out still, but not raining, and the temp is nice, in the 60's. I'm at a crawl on the highway, doing about 20-30 mph when a big white van comes into my lane. I hit the brakes and thankfully no one was too close behind me, and the van never even noticed.

The best part about it though you ask? It's a fucking Massachusetts State Police, Department of Corrections van, what the FUCK? (Which is exactly what I'm yelling inside my own helmet).
These are the same people lighting up the highway boards with "check twice, it could save a life, watch for motorcycles and share the road".

Really, its time you took your own fucking advice people.
Just another reason why I always were safety gear.

Oh yea, if you happen to be following behind a motorcycle, be sure to give yourself enough room, we can stop in much shorter distances than cars and trucks.

Winter is coming

I don't watch too much TV anymore, well, except for children's shows now. I can recite way too much Shrek or How to Train Your Dragon, fuck, I guess this is parenthood.

Anyway.

What I wanted to share with you is a new mini series that started airing on HBO Sunday nights at 9:00, Game Of Thrones. It is based on a series of books by George R. R. Martin, the first of which is the same name. I have read the four books that are out so far and have been eagerly anticipating this series. I saw the first one Sunday and all I can say is, its fucking great. Theres lots of sex, violence, and intrigue to keep you going and from what I've seen so far, great visuals and acting.

Check it out, you won't be disappointed.

Moonlight catches silver tears I cry

Just a line that always comes to me when I'm on the emotional side. Something about that last line...

"She came to me with a serpents kiss,
As the eye of the sun rose on her lips,
Moonlight catches silver tears I cry."

I found out midday yesterday that I lost the last of my grandparents. She finally succumbed to her deteriorating health and I can only hope she is in a better place and free of pain.

You will be missed.

Got Wood?

There is something very mind clearing and Zen like when going about a task without even thinking, just going through the motions like on auto pilot. Two weekends ago, I helped a neighbor of mine by removing a large tree that had fallen in his back yard during this particularly harsh winter. The weather was a bit on the cool side, in the 40's, but once you get working you work up quite the sweat. After dealing with the largest pieces and making sure everything was felled on the ground, I went to town on all the smaller stuff.


I restarted the chainsaw and went back to work. Trunks, limbs, branches, all fell to a wave of what became a motorized extension of my arm. I would pick a piece, start at the thickest part and work my way out, cutting into manageable pieces. I just fell into this rhythm, cut it, lift the next length onto the piece I just cut, and go again. I totally lost track of myself in the roar of that little motor. It wasn't until I ran out of gas that I realized how much I had torn through. My neighbor who was filling my truck with the cut up pieces, just stood there in shock. He said to me "you are way to comfortable with that thing, you scare me a bit", as a smile crossed his face.


You just loose yourself in the work, thoughts are gone, its only the job at hand in front of you.

The same thing happened this weekend. I've had all these pieces of cut up logs sitting in my driveway. I'd grab a wheel barrow full, take them out back to my chopping block, and just start splitting them, and piling them. With every fall of the ax, wood fly's through the air, the split half's shooting left and right. Again, lost in the rhythm, I'd no idea I was going at it for hours, the pile now three feet high and six feet across. The smell of fresly split wood brings a smile to my face.

Nothing in my head except the next piece of wood...
Very Zen like...