A follow up of sorts

I had another "discussion" with the wife last night. I've been reverting back to my stone-self some and it came to a head yet again. She said, "what, am I not supposed to notice you getting quiet again". I told her, that was exactly the point, for you to notice something. She wanted to know why I stopped talking to her about certain things, and I told her, why bother if you don't listen to what I have to say. We went back and fourth for a while on different things. For her, she is feeling under appreciated again, asking why I won't help with some things. The thing is, I do, but I was not doing things the way she wanted, so I stopped when I got the attitude.

For me, it was the usual, a lack of sex and intimacy. Her finding ways to avoid me, or being to tired, or too busy, it's always something. She asked if it got better after our last conversation, yea, for like two weeks.

I've been thinking a lot lately if this is the life I want to live, drowning in my head, suffering in silence for my daughter. I've heard and read from many others that its not worth burying yourself for it. I love my little girl unconditionally, but I'm in pain.

I don't feel the passion anymore in our relationship. I want more than I think she is willing to give. As she admitted to me last night, "even if we had sex every night, you wouldn't be happy". And I said, no, probably not. I'm tired of not feeling wanted physically, I'm tired of rejection, I'm tired of feeling like a outcast in my own home. She turned to me and said "do you think we are going to make it". I just don't know. She said "don't you think it's worth fighting for" and I said that's what I thought I've been doing.

The more I think about it, the more I'm loosing ground. I realize how unhappy I am and have not done anything about it until now. It feels good to get it out to her, but it hurts because I think I'm the one ending our marriage. I have always worried about making others happy, usually to my own detriment, that has to end. I want to be happy.

She would like to try counselling again, I truly don't know if it will do any good. I feel the courses of our lives have shifted to much.

"Time is a friend or an enemy of a soul who longs to be free."
       Maria

As hurricane Irene has now hit land fall in the Carolina's, we here in the North East are bracing for the hit tonight and on into tomorrow. I'm just hoping all of you fellow Bloggers on the East coast weather the storm fine and are able to avoid any major issues.

 Be Safe.

I've not been open to it lately, but there is beauty to be found when you least expect it. It's around us if we chose to see it and accept it into ourselves. It's in people, its in nature around us, and in the heavens that surround us. This morning gave me a few glimpses.

I came around an on-ramp in traffic to see the myriad suns rays bursting through the clouds in front of me, perfectly framed top, left, and right by a flock of birds.

I was physically moved by reading something powerful this morning.

And I've been brought to the verge of tears by a song.

I know I'm in a hard place right now, maybe that's part of it. But my body, mind, and soul are open and accepting that which is given.

Observation

I sat in the mall yesterday, by myself, eating my lunch, and I just watched. There's all the young girls, by themselves, tying to act older than they are, wishing school doesn't start soon. There are the kids with their parents, school shopping, and obviously not wanting to be there.  And there are those like me, just out for a convenient bite to eat, a break from the grind.

I sit at my table, my helmet, backpack, and food spread around me, and I'm can't stop looking back at this one woman. She looks to work at one of the stores in the mall, judging by the name tags on those around her. One man sits to her left, keeping his distance and not saying much, just staring at his food most of the time. Across from her sits another woman whom she seems to be in deep conversation with. What caught my attention initially, now has keep it.

I watch this woman talking, she has her right hand up under her shirt, resting on her stomach, moving it around every now and then. Then her left hand, across her chest, under her tank and bra strap on her right shoulder, again, just caressing. Then its one hand to her hair, pulling it up, then the other on her bare neck. The whole time, she and her companion, never stop talking. And this goes on the whole time I'm sitting there eating.

I can't help but wonder what she's thinking about as her hands roam over her own body involuntary, craving that skin on skin contact. Is it her husband or a boyfriend back home, longing for his touch? Is it a lover who just broke that connection while she hungrily craves more? Is it repressed sexual tension just oozing out subconsciously?

These are the things I think about as I sit there, alone, lost in thought yet again.
These are things I crave, to be touched with passion, longing and desire.

A meeting

I pull up to the train station, scanning the crowds, looking, longing. The butterfly's still fresh in my stomach as my nerves attempt to catch up with the reality of the moment. She must have seen my truck coming, because she is staring straight at me as I finally spot her in the crowd. I move past her to an open area on the side and jump out to meet her walking my way. Her smile is intoxicating as she glides towards me. Her legs bared by her skirt and heals creating smooth lines up. My gaze continues up her body to a low cut shirt that shows just enough cleavage to be sexy. Her hair is unbound, falling to her shoulders and bounces as she walks. Absolutely radiant.

We come together, she drops her bag as I reach out and wrap my arms around her, crushing my weight against her and inhaling her scent. I pull back just enough to lean down to her lips, laying the softest of kisses on them. She returns it with same tenderness. I pick up her bag and lead her to the truck, opening the door for her, I help her up and put her bag in the back. My heart is still pounding in my chest, that this moment has actually arrived, the wait seemed like forever. I climb into the truck and we head out. I can't stop looking over at her, she is actually sitting right next to me. She leans over to my side and runs one hand up the back of my neck, just resting it there, enjoying the connection, before she leans in to lay those soft lips on the bare skin of my neck. It sends a shudder down my back.

She gives me a smirk and leans back, as comfortable as can be. That smirk becomes a sly smile as she stares at me. I can't stop looking at her, and she knows it. The knowing look and smile brighten every time I glance at her. Out on the highway now, I'm looking even more, my gaze running up her legs. She runs a hand up her leg, lifting her skirt higher. She says she has surprise for me. Leaning back, shifting her back to the door, she plants her right foot on the floor and her left she brings up to the armrest next to me. Hiking her skirt higher, I see what is obviously a freshly shaved pussy. Now that is a beautiful sight. She brings a finger to her clit, rubbing slowly, running it down between her lips, coating it with her sex. She then sits up and brings that finger to my mouth as she whispers, taste me, into my ear. I do, savoring the sweetness. Do you like it, she ask.
Like she has to ask.
Yes.

I want to taste more, I tell her. She leans back again, letting me see clearly just how smooth she is. She spreads her lips with one hand while the other delves in with two fingers, no resistance at all. She keeps working those fingers in and out, a sheen stands out clearly every time they withdraw. Are you ready for more she ask. Yes. Bringing her fingers back to my lips, I get her aroma full in my nostrils, as those digits disappear into my mouth. Her heady scent, sweet taste, and swirling perfume creating a whirlwind of eroticism in the cab of my truck.

She can't help but notice the effect she's having on me.