The struggle within

There is so much talk about infidelity and cheating on ones significant other and the ramifications involved, just wanted to add my own thoughts on the subject. To start, it seems that a lot of men and women are looking for the same thing, that which they are not getting at home, and its not just sex, its that feeling of intimacy, that connection on a base level that words don't do justice. We have obviously had this to begin with or we would not be having this discussion. But somehow the intimacy and passion evolves into living life for the daily grind, we become so accustomed to the everyday duties that the other things slowly recede to the background becoming less important to some.

I've been reading many other blogs and articles lately and am not really surprised at how many differing opinions there are on the subject. For some, cheating is the sexual escapades that take place outside the monogamist relationship, for others it can be as simple as the sharing of intimate emotions with someone of the opposite sex. My wife does not like the facts that I work so closely with an attractive younger woman, she knows nothing has happened between us physically (I'll save those dreams), but does not like the fact that when you spend ten to eleven hours a day with someone, you do tend to get close to them. Its not cheating in her eyes, but with that familiarity comes something else, that longing for something else...

For the few that do read my blog, I have never cheated physically, but I have cheated emotionally, I've become enamored with a kind of friendship I have never experienced before, I think about the path not taken and where it could lead. This is much of what brings those feelings of intimacy, passion, and excitement back to the surface of consciousness. It makes me want to do things I know are wrong from a societal standpoint, but this friendship has made me feel wanted in ways I've not felt in fifteen plus years. That forbidden fruit just being thrust out there in front in front of you, teasing you to taste.

This constant inner struggle has been going on for a few years now. It has its ups and downs. Things get more difficult when events at home get monotonous and attitudes rear their ugly heads. But I only say this because we are trying to work out our issues at home, I have not taken the path of less resistance, but I certainly think about it alot.

Does it make me a bad person to have lust in my heart? I don't care, its taken me 30 plus years to realize everyone is different, there is no mold to be forced into, but it is nice to know there are others out there going through the same gamut of emotions. I envy those of you who have found you passion.

You know its funny, I sit in traffic back and forth from work, about an hour each way, with all these thoughts banging around my head. I finally get a chance to sit down at the keyboard and put ink to paper, if you will, and ...nothing. Complete blank on what I wanted to put out there.

Anyway, its a day later and I did want to say something about a comment I received the other day, and believe me, it is much appreciated. It is nice to know there are others out there going through and feeling the same things as myself.
Reflecting on the situation with my coworker, I cant help but think what would happen if we did end up sleeping together. And I'm not talking about the fall out in my personal life, believe me I thought about that alot as well. I don't think my coworker could handle that kind of situation, I don't think she has the maturity level to deal with it. If I feel that the current work situation is difficult at times, I can't imagine what it would be like if this did happen. Would we be closer to each other mentally, certainly not physically, at work, or would it be more of an awkward working relationship where she would not know how to draw that line.

In my head, it all seems so easy and so hot, but reality is always a cruel mistress. I guess thats where it will have to stay, in my head, driving me crazy.

Snuff by Slipknot

I love this song's lyrics, its very powerful:

"Bury all you secrets in my skin, come away with innocence and leave me with my sins.
The air around me still feels like a cage, and love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage.

So if you love me let me go, and run away before I know.
My heart is just to tired to care, I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me unto my fate, if I'm alone I cannot hate.
I don't deserve to have you.
My smile was taken long ago, if i can change don't ever let me know.

I still press you letters to my lips, and cherish them with parts of me that savor every kiss.
I couldn't face a life without you light, but all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight.
So save your breath I will not hear, I think I've made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend, then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint, my own was banished long ago, it took the death of hope to let you go.

So break yourself against my stones, and spit you pity in my soul.
You never needed any help,
You sold me out to save yourself.
And I won't listen to your shame, you ran away, your all the same.
Angels lie to keep control, my love was punished long ago, if you still care don't ever let me know."

"My hands are searching for you,my arms are outstretched for you.
I feel you on my finger tips, my tongue dances behind my lips for you.
Fire runs in through my being, burning I'm not used to seeing you.
I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing,
holding on to all these feelings."

Tattoo work

I have been thinking a lot lately of some more tattoo work. I have a number of ideas in mind for my right thigh and upper back. I have done a lot of searching the net for some pictures I can incorporate into my own design drawings, but haven't had much luck on one of them, guess I'll have to start sketching that one on my own. I wish I had some money to actually pay for the work, it would actually give me the kick in the ass needed to start doing some sketch work.

Now that I think of it, I can't remember the last time I picked up my sketch pad and pencil. There really has not been anything I've had the urge to draw for the past year or so, at least. Think I'm still waiting for my muse to appear. Unfortunately muses are quite fleeting, I'll keep waiting for one to fall into my lap. Just hope hubris doesn't get in the way of recognizing her like in most Greek tragedies.

Stand Up

"You planted the seed, how my anger has grown. Got a feeling inside that I can't seem to control. You want to see a reaction? Come on and cut me down, I've gone as far as I'll go, now your crossing the line and I'm letting you know, here's your reaction. Stand up, I have had enough. Walk away before I finish what you've started, face to face I will put you in your place. End this game before I finish what you've started, face to face everything will change. Insult after insult after insult."

Things I have not experienced sexually

But would absolutely love to...
Now mind you I probably don't have the experiences that many out there do, I married at a young age and that leaves very little room for experimentation before that.
1. I've never had a woman deep throat me. Guess I never found one that could take me all in (average size by the way, nothing to write home about).
2. I would love to experience a MWW threesome and would love it even more if one of them was my wife. Which brings me to the next one...
3. I'd like to see my wife kissing, sucking, licking, fingering, toying, or whatever with another attractive woman.
4. I would like have that kind of rough porn movie type of sex. You know, just deep drilling like there's no tomorrow. No complaints about "going too deep" or "that hurts".
5. I want to be bad. I want to have an affair. I'm getting so tired of conformity and pretending, if some hot woman came onto me, I don't think I would say no. I want the excitement and the fear of loosing everything on the line.

Sorry, out of time, I'm sure there will be more.

Dream a little dream

I had the oddest dream the other night, and by odd I don't mean its unusual for me to dream about threesomes. I have those all the time about my crush, but I digress...

It started innocently enough, the wife and I were hot and heavy, all over each other, working our way up the stairs (told you it's a dream). There are different items of clothing being removed in the process. We get to the bedroom, only its not our house, its my bedroom in the house I grew up in, the old water bed and every thing else just as I last remembered it. We work our way around to the side of the bed and I fall onto it only to hit something. I jump back up and move the covers to find a girl laying there naked. Its at this point that things got weird because its my youngest brothers girlfriend lying there in all her glory, she's a pretty good looking girl too. I'm about to pull away when she grabs me by the waist band of my underwear and says "Where do you think your going, you started something, lets finish it." Now color me totally fucking surprised when the wife is right there with me, not a word of protest she just gets in bed with us.
The rest of the dream was a blur of bodies in motion, it all seamed so real though. There is something so visceral about the visuals, my woman having her nice moist cunt licked while I take the other one from behind or two woman concentrating on licking and sucking me. All three of us enjoying ourselves so much, to get lost in each other's bodies, its just so hot. I only wish I could experience this in real life, and I don't mean with my little brothers girlfriend, though that would be so uninhibited, I know it would never happen with my wife.
That gives me an idea for a new post: Things I want to experience sexually.

A.D.I.D.A.S.

I feel like the older I get (mid 30's by the way), the more I think about sex. Its not just at home with the wife, its everywhere. We are bombarded by sexual images everyday, every hour and then not expected to feel those impulses? I can't stop thinking about what my cute young coworker would look like sucking me off, or what that hot little piece of ass that I just sold something to would look like naked, or maybe even bent over that counter getting it from behind.

It seems there is no reprieve from these thoughts either. I sit here alone at home today and from the moment I woke up, I can't stop thinking about it with no apparent catalyst. At least when I'm at work I know its watching that little sex kitten walking around making the day tougher to get through. Then at home the depression sets in a little more as realization dawns that there won't be any action tonight, again...

If I hear "I'm tired" again this week, I'm going to loose it. Why do I feel like the only one trying when it comes to our sex life? I buy her lingerie, only to see it once for a minute or two before it disappears into a drawer never to be seen again. I buy penthouse letters which she likes to read, only they end up being read when I'm not home. I buy porn movies which she is not adverse to watching, only she is rarely in the mood. I have bought toys to help liven things up in the bedroom a little, all I can say is that I'm pretty sure the rabbit gets a lot of use when I'm not around. I can't remember the last time she has made any attempt to buy anything.
I've been reading a lot online to try to help with these issues, and many of the suggestions just don't work the way there supposed to. I tell her how hot she looks in a certain matching bra and thong, she just shrugs it off. I make even more of an effort to help around the house knowing this is an issue she has, she never really notices how much more I'm doing. I guess its just killing me how much my sex drive in increasing and hers is not.
And that little vixen sauntering around work in her low cut tops and ass hugging pants is not helping my minds musings all all.

Jealousy

Jealousy rears it's ugly head. I sit here fuming over something that I have absolutely no control over. Good thing work isn't busy, now I have all this time on my hands to observe the things that bother me.


She sits here busy with IM's on the computer and text's on her phone, its driving me crazy. Every time I get to close to the PC, the window gets closed quick, don't be looking over her shoulder. All I can think is that there are so many guys that want her, only a month after her breakup by the way. I would be happy to have my own wife want me in a physical sense like the way these guys are after her. It just seems so unfair the way life unfolds sometimes.


Its funny that I used to feel so alone in my thoughts and views but now after reading blogs from others, I realize that there are many others like me out there. It may be a good thing that no one reads my blog as I am a little worried what some of the comments would be.

"Drift among the faithful, bury your desires, aberration's fill your head, you need a place to hide..."
It's funny how true you can make something feel. I am so into music that I sometimes just pick out these lines and they really do feel to speak to me. This one line says so much about how things have been lately. "Drift among the faithful", it's what I seem to be doing alot lately, just putting on that blank facade to blend in. "Bury your desires", well I guess that is self explanatory with the co-worker issues I've been having. "Aberration's fill your head", how true, there is so much dark matter floating around in my head right now, I am quite afraid to let anything out into the open to anyone. There are so many dark desires in there that need to be under constant control "There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface, confusing, consuming. This lack of self control I feel is never ending.. ". Sometimes I really do feel I need someplace to hide. Lately I am happier being by myself.

There is only one thing right now that makes me happy at all, and that is the little time that I get to spend with my little girl, she can't talk yet but she is the only light in my dark world.