Who am I? I was really beginning to think I was the sole reason for my wife's decreasing libido, which set off some changes in me. I couldn't help but think I had lost my physical appeal, I've always been active but had gained a little weight, I was up to 185lbs. Towards the end of last year I found an acquaintance selling her Bowflex gym, I thought that would be a great start. I used it religiously for eight weeks straight, three times a week, and could not believe the difference in my upper body strength and mass gains. I have always had good leg strength due to a lot of bicycling during the warmer months here in the northeast. The only response I heard was "your arms are getting bigger". I lost my will power and have not used the machine since, though I plan to start anew Monday. I still do at least 50-100 push ups and 30-60 pull ups a day just to keep tone.
So started the second part to my body work, watching what I eat. I had become complacent and was eating too much junk. I stopped eating food off the coffee truck at work, no more add-ons when getting coffee in the morning, and cut back on the fast food and take out for lunch. I also have become aware of controlling my portions, no need for second helpings. I'm happy to say my weight has been holding steady, I'm now a consistent 167 lbs at 6'1" and have never felt better physically in years. Now, if I could only get that six pack to come out from behind all those Captain and Cokes.
Since early this year I have been talking with my wife about our intimacy issues and found out it had noting to do with me, thought it sure effects me. We are trying to work through things but it still has not been easy. One of the hardest things I've done is having to tell her I feel completely unwanted by her lack of need or desire. It hit her hard, she was thinking it was no big deal that I wouldn't even miss it. Are you kidding me, I had thought that a well educated women would think more clearly than that. Then again, we are both well educated people and can't seem to talk to each other about what bothers us most of the time. Maybe we both got to complacent in that department but it needs to be fixed, at least I know now it was not a physical repulsion. It would sure feel nice to feel wanted again, I truly do miss it...
So started the second part to my body work, watching what I eat. I had become complacent and was eating too much junk. I stopped eating food off the coffee truck at work, no more add-ons when getting coffee in the morning, and cut back on the fast food and take out for lunch. I also have become aware of controlling my portions, no need for second helpings. I'm happy to say my weight has been holding steady, I'm now a consistent 167 lbs at 6'1" and have never felt better physically in years. Now, if I could only get that six pack to come out from behind all those Captain and Cokes.
Since early this year I have been talking with my wife about our intimacy issues and found out it had noting to do with me, thought it sure effects me. We are trying to work through things but it still has not been easy. One of the hardest things I've done is having to tell her I feel completely unwanted by her lack of need or desire. It hit her hard, she was thinking it was no big deal that I wouldn't even miss it. Are you kidding me, I had thought that a well educated women would think more clearly than that. Then again, we are both well educated people and can't seem to talk to each other about what bothers us most of the time. Maybe we both got to complacent in that department but it needs to be fixed, at least I know now it was not a physical repulsion. It would sure feel nice to feel wanted again, I truly do miss it...
It's interesting to hear this from the other side...
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is hard to see past our own issues to see how it effects those around us. *hugs* I think it is great that you two are working on the communication aspect, she knows it bothers you. Now I hope she can do something about it.
ReplyDeletei've been in your shoes. For years I was trying to figure out why I was the only one up for it. When I tried to talk to my spouse, she would always say, man always want it, there's nothing wrong with me. Counseling, threats, nothing seem to work or make her realize we had a problem... My wife is also well educated, and I find this make things harder for her to grasp things that's not 1_2_3, or written in black and white.. To make a long story short, one day she saw this new doctor who specialize in hormones, because her regular doctor retired. This new doctor doesn't believe in giving you a cure it all pill, and he does extra test that other doctors skip because they know health insurance will not pay for it. She bulked at paying for it herself, but I told her I would, just get it done. It turned out her body wasn't producing hardly any adrenaline, that's why she was tired and other physical things not working right, not from her hormones being off... After a week on the adrenaline she was complaining I wasn't giving her enough sex. After twenty years of marriage, this was the first time I was accuse of holding out sexually. And for the first time in her life, she knew what it was like to have that itch while driving home from work and I wasn't going to be home to scratch it. I never realize if you never needed a scratch, you don't understand the significance of those who do. A few times I have held out on purpose, and it lead her up to asking me didn't I love her anymore. I use her line of "love isn't about sex". I wasn't being mean, it's just I have found a dose of reality works far better with my spouse then talking and reasoning.. Now she has a understanding of how I felt all those years without. The only problem now is, she can't believe I had those feelings all those years, and I didn't cheat to fix my itch... Dam if you do.... lol ....
ReplyDeleteSeems like you aren't so lost, but on your way to find yourself & each other in the process.
ReplyDelete