A friend of mine once said "How can someone be surrounded by people all the time and yet still feel all alone." It was not until recently that I've started looking more intently at what has been going on the last few years of my life that I start to better understand this statement. That feeling of aloneness is ever prevalent even when we spend so much time with others due to a lack of feeling accepted. I have many friends and acquaintances, but I don't feel I can be completely open with many of them. There are the feelings you share and the ones you keep buried (or blog about). I know most people would not understand my confusion of emotions regarding my co-worker, as I have tried to broach the subject with a close friend who is also married. He cannot grasp the idea that I would have feelings for another woman since I am married, his critical thinking is very black and white, no grey areas at all.
How do you tell someone that you don't feel wanted or desired at home and another woman makes you feel this way? I have never been one to talk openly about my marital issues, especially with people who know one, if not both of us. Like I've said in my previous post, it was really hard to admit that I feel unwanted without it somehow being reflected back on me, it must be my fault in someway.
That is exactly how I feel all alone while still being surrounded by people, there is just so much that I can't share with others, including my spouse because things have changed so much in the past few years, but we are trying.
"Hold me up into the light, see the cracks and fix them right. Put the pieces in a jar, keep them there forever more... Don't let them throw me away, keep me and I'll be ok. " Korn
Keeping those feelings buried isn't good. I think it's why I want to hold on to my first lover - I was able to tell him everything about my relation with my husband. It was a deliverance for me.
ReplyDeleteBlogging about it was a huge help for me. You aren't alone with those feelings of feeling unwanted and not desired.