Crawling

"There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface, consuming, confusing. This lack of self control I fear is never ending, controlling, I can't seam, to find myself again, my walls are closing in. I felt this way before, so insecure."

"This comfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me, distracting, reacting. Against my will I stand beside my own reflection. Its haunting how I can't seam, to find myself again, my walls are closing in. I felt this way before, so insecure."

"Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal, fear is how I cope, confusing what is real." by Linkin Park

I find this a very fitting quote due to a few of the comments I've received from my last post. Depression? Well, I do meet many of the clinical descriptions, becoming more introverted, not eating, loss of interest in many things, not sleeping well, etc., but I don't consider myself depressed. Agitation, anger, frustration? Yes, most definitely. I don't really know what it is that I keep buried, maybe it is just guilt for even having these feelings of wanting more. I keep thinking that I should be happy with what I have, but you know what, I would give it all up to feel desired again. I don't care about having dinner waiting when I get home, hell I would give up my house and everything I have worked so hard for these past years. I have worked so hard the last ten years at getting everything "we" wanted, I think I lost what I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I an proud of my accomplishments, getting my BSBA through years of night school, the expensive house in the burbs, the bike, a decent job, etc., but I've come up feeling empty.

Don't get me wrong, I am very appreciative of my wife, she did push me to finish school, she is a great mother, and I still do love her and want to be with her, but I want more from her physically, not mentally. I think it really is guilt, that I should not want these things, that drives me crazy inside. I've become so confused because I have talked with my wife about our physical being, and I think I made things worse, I feel she really doesn't want me that way any more, hence the reason for my whole trying to change myself, thinking it was me.

I am ready to give it all up except for the one thing that I have learned over the past two years. Absolute, unconditional, true love, I have learned it from my daughter, she can't even really talk yet, yet I would die for her, do anything for her, and that is the reason I will suffer in silence, for her. I can't think of loosing her. That scares me more than anything, her not having a father.

But on the other side of the same token, I would jump at the chance to have an affair if the opportunity presented itself to me, just to feel passion again, fully understanding what I could be giving up in the process. Seems so foolish I'm sure to many, but I don't know what else to do. My wife and I have talked, been through counseling, talked some more, and I just feel things getting worse.

I would love to hear from others that I'm not crazy or being unreasonable, because I'm beginning to feel the fool.